How to Kill a Killer Spider

What do you do when you find this in your house while your husband is at work?

Step 1: Call him and beg him to come home and save you.

Step 2: When he refuses, ask the cat for help:

Step 3: After the cat tries to "help," but really just plays with the thing, causing the beast of a spider to run all over the room and bolt into places you know you'll never be able to find it, push the cat out of the way, grab a book and throw it on top of the spider.

Step 4: Do a victory dance.

Step 5: Scream in horror as you watch it crawl out from under the book and dart across the floor.

Step 6: Grab a box. Surely that is heavy enough!

Step 7: Throw the box.

Step 8: Miss.

Step 9: Scream.

Step 10: Repeat steps 7-9.

Step 11: Repeat steps 7-9 again.

Step 12: Throw the box again and hit the darn thing this time.

Step 13: Do a little victory dance.

Step 14: Scream in horror as you watch it crawl out from under the box and dart across the floor.

Step 15: As it heads under your bed, where you know you will never catch it and therefore will never sleep again, certain it is crawling all over you, suck it up (because now you're a little peeved at the sucker) and dismantle your bed for a mattress support board.

Step 16: Whack at it with the board several times while chasing it around the room (screaming continuously, of course).

Step 17: Finally injure it enough so it can't run as fast.

Step 18: Say "Ah HA!" in your very best evil mastermind voice.

Step 19: Beat it with the board continuously, whacking way beyond the necessary amount of whacks needed to declare a time of death.

Step 20: Lay the board on top of it and walk across its dead body... for good measure, of course... not because you enjoy it at all (because that would be evil).

Step 21: Jump up and down a couple times (just for added good measure). Try not to smile in the process.

Step 22: Stand proudly over the body and declare victory:

Step 23: Scold your cat for trying to take credit for the kill: